Feelings of...

I find myself going through a bit of depression. With the passing of my grandmother two weeks ago today, I still refer to her in the present tense and then realize my mistake. And I start to ask myself, is it OK to do that? My dad and I started a tradition with my grandparents before she died by taking lunch out to them every Friday. Some fridays my grandpa would actually cook. And for those of you who know my grandparents, I think my grandpa could give my grandma a run for her money in the kitchen. lol Anyway, my dad told my grandpa that we would like to keep this tradition, but instead of bringing him lunch we would take him out to eat. A different restaurant every week. So when we went to pick him up, it was hard to not see her sitting there next to him. He seemed like he was doing OK. We did end up taking some of her clothes so we could take them to Good Shepherd at church. For me, I think it would be the hardest being in that house alone after being married for 59 years.

This leads me to my next topic, loneliness. I know I've talked about this before, but sometimes it's just overwhelming. A sense of loneliness that doesn't seem to go away even when around people. I'm not sure what to do with that. Is this something that is normal? Is this something that will eventually go away? Is this something that can be fixed?

Being out here in North Carolina, I thought would help a bit with the depression. Being with my best friend and all the crazy laughter that ensues when we are together. But, I just feel like I'm being a party pooper and not wanting to go hang out with her friends. I'm sure they're amazing people. I'm at a point right now that I don't want to be around crowds of people. And that totally sucks!!

Anyway, life goes on. And will go on with a smile on my face whether I like it or not.

My theme song....

One of my favorite musicians is releasing his 5th studio album on Oct. 9th! I already have it pre-ordered on iTunes and am super psyched about it!!!

Below is the music video of the first single off of his album "Crazy Love" and I have decided it's my theme song for who knows how long!! haha

In Memory of my Grandmother...

My grandma passed away Wednesday, September 23, 2009. After spending two weeks exactly in Hospice care. She was such an amazing woman. Had such a kind and giving heart and was loved by everyone who knew her. The next couple days are going to be rough, but thanks to friends and family I think I'll make it through. Her burial is on Monday morning, then a family luncheon, and then the memorial service is at 2:00 P.M.

Below is a post I started last week and never got around to posting it.

Last Week:

I've had a rough week. Between working and driving out to north Oklahoma City every day to see my grandma, it's a wonder I haven't completely shut down. My grandma was moved into Hospice care last Wednesday. She was in a lot of pain, so they decided to move her there to get her pain under control and hopefully be able to move her back home this week. Well, she took a turn for the worse and so now it's just a waiting game. We're all surprised she's lasted this long. But, we have a feeling that once my aunt gets here on Monday that she'll go. We think that she's waiting to see my aunt.

Tuesday was the worst. They were taking her off one pain medication and putting her on a different one, which in turn was making her shake really bad. At that point it basically hit me that she wasn't going to be here much longer. Since then she's been sleeping a lot and only slightly alert. Seeing her like that killed me and it was the first time I actually broke down in front of any of my family. She's been such a huge part of my life, so full of life and seeing her lying there in that bed shaking, barely being able to talk broke my heart. We've gone out there every day since Monday just to see her and sit with my grandpa. I can't imagine what he's going through right now. Just the sadness in his eyes when he looks at her lying there makes my heart ache. They've been married for 59 years. Me, I just hope I live to be 59. He's stayed there every night except for one since she's been moved there. I don't think he's ready to let her go yet.

I was lying in bed this morning at 4:00 A.M. awake as usual and just starting thinking about all the incredible times I had with my grandma, AKA Bona. No idea where the name came from, but I still call her that and I'm the only grandkid that calls her that. Anyways, I just felt like I need to put these memories down somewhere, so I don't ever forget them.

• Waking up at 6:00 A.M., sitting on the kitchen counter watching her make bacon and waffles. She was a bacon expert...no one can make bacon like her. Perfectly crispy. I did this when I was really little, now, there is no way I would wake up that early.
• Playing baseball out in their driveway. And yes, she would actually play with me. We would take turns batting and running bases. Sometimes one of my neighborhood friends would come play with us. Either the boy from next door or the boy from across the pond.
• Making homemade playdough.
• Making towers out of jell-o boxes that were stored underneath the island of their kitchen.
• Running out to their back deck screaming to scare off the squirrels that would climb onto the bird feeders.
• Taking walks/scooter rides through their neighborhood.
• Playing Skip-bo, Old Maid, and Dominoes.
• Sneaking into the kitchen while she was cooking and scaring her every time. I believed that it just prolonged her life. haha
• When I would have trouble sleeping when I was at their house she would come rub my back, which in turn caused me to pass out every time.
• She even let me play soccer in the house, as long as I kept the ball on the floor.
• All the loaves of homemade bread she would make me. When I was in high school and college she would always make one for my parents and then one for myself. She knew me too well.
• She always had their house stocked with Dr. Pepper and even let my cousin's Brent and Jason and I to have a "secret" club...The Dr. Pepper Club. She was of course our honorary member.

I Love You Bona!

Quickie...

Added two songs to my music player! Michael Franti and Spearhead's "Have a Little Faith" and Bob Marley and the Wailers' "Three Little Birds."

These two songs helped me get through this week. Frustrations with co-workers, work functions, and my grandmother going into Hospice care on Wednesday. She was in a lot of pain, and my mom called me at work asking if I could get off early because she wasn't sure if this would be the last time we got to see her conscious. Thankfully, they are getting her pain in control and may be able to go home next week.

I've found that the best therapy for me when I can't go play basketball is to go to a bookstore. lol I was at the point of almost having an emotional breakdown on Friday after I got home from my work thing (which happened to be a waste of a good friday night.) So, I left the house, decided to just drive around and ended up at the bank to get my dad some cash I owed him and then went to Borders. I got me an iced Mocha and just browsed for an hour. I ended up buying two books and was significantly more calm as I walked out the doors. It was amazing!! So, if you ever witness me having a potential emotional breakdown...go to your nearest bookstore and you will probably find me. haha

I'm hoping next week is infinitely better. Monday night going out to dinner for a friends birthday, working Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday. Sunday bowling at Red Pin!!

Hope you all had a much better week than I did!! Next week...just gotta have a little bit more faith!!!

Crappy Day!

I hope that deciding to take one day at a time is the smart thing to do. As for my day today, it was pretty crappy! Worked downtown today from 11 AM-5 PM. Two more hours than I was supposed to. I'm still trying to get the hang of things. Things at downtown are so much MORE involved than at Midtown, so I'm constantly having to ask questions and then there was a mishap with the cash register today which just sealed the deal on the "crappy day!" It was my fault, I didn't get scolded by anyone but myself. I've figured out that I'm not as good a multi-tasker as I thought I was.

After today I felt like I was alone, when in reality that's hardly the case. I just wish I had someone who I could talk to and they would listen. Someone who I could cry in front of and not be judged. Someone who could wrap their arms around me and my whole crappy day would seise to exist. Someone who would tell me things will get better and I would actually believe them. Someone who would use their humor to make me laugh out loud.

When and if I ever find that someone, my hardships are being told to "Living in the Now." Even though you don't respond, I know I have the ability to speak freely. So until next time...

A Break in the Clouds

A small break in the clouds came today. My aunt Carolyn has a lot of pull with CBF, one of the places I applied to teach English in Korea with, and she contacted the guy in charge and he told her they didn't have my application. So, apparently it didn't go through or they lost it. So, I resent it and hopefully now that they know to look for it and I know Carolyn Crumpler, things may start looking up for me!!! Keep your fingers crossed!! Carolyn isn't technically my aunt, she's my mom's best friend, and I am named after her, and I've always known her as aunt Carolyn.

I've picked up more hours at the Downtown YMCA which is actually closer to my house than the YMCA that I've been working at for the past year. Downtown is so much busier, the members are a lot more needy, and there are a LOT more towels to be washed and folded. But, I like it. The time flies by much faster than the Midtown. But, then again, working at Downtown made me realize how much I like the slow pace of Midtown. But, the more money the better!!! So, I work from 9 AM-6PM tomorrow. Which should be interesting. I've never worked that long, so hopefully it won't be too bad.

Things are looking up, I'm not hating life as much as I was. But, for right now, I'm taking each day at a time and remembering to keep having faith.

Rethinking Things

Here it is August 12, and still no job offers. I'm to the point where I'm rethinking about what it is that I'm supposed to do. Do I still want to be a physical education teacher? A part of me thinks that maybe this isn't what I'm supposed to do. Sure, I enjoyed it thoroughly when I was in England, but I can't help but wonder if it was he environment that played the part in my enjoyment.

One thing that I like to do when I'm stressed or frustrated it scrapbook, or doing something creative. So, I've put off working on my scrapbook for all of my ticket stubs/maps/pamphlets from Europe. So, I bought some punch-out letters yesterday at Wal-mart (sorry Hal, I had a gift card from there from graduation. I know how you hate that place!!! haha). I started work on it last night and I realized that I was truly happy while I was overseas. I know that sounds depressing and a bit rude, but, I loved it over there. And since applying for two jobs teaching English in South Korea, I'm crossing my tiny fingers in hopes that I would get the opportunity to do that. Not only would I get to live and work in the country I was born in, but I would also get to immerse myself in a different culture, which is something that I loved doing while in Europe. I would also get to learn more about where I came from. So, wish me luck that I will get an interview with Pegasus Teachers in October for their February 23, 2010 hiring! It would be such an amazing birthday present!!!

For now, I'm still working at the YMCA, hoping that I can maybe find something more enjoyable for the time being.

Music of the moment:

Scars and Stitches- Theory of a Deadman

Evolver- John Legend

Every Kings of Leon album