New Blog

I have created a new blog for South Korea!!! So, you should follow if you want!!!

Traveling in My Shoes

Well...it happened

I'm moving to South Korea Feb. 26 until Feb. 28, 2011. AHHHHHHHHHHH I'm literally beaming with excitement, but also terrified beyond belief. But, it will be an amazing experience and I think I may be too busy over the next few weeks to even think about how frightened I am.

So, that's all I can write right now. Thanks for the encouraging words over the past couple months, they were definitely helpful!!!

Contact!!

They made contact!!! haha Last night I got an e-mail from Seoul Metropolitan Office of Education stating they got my resume and want to set up an interview!! OMG!! I was in a total panic last night and wasn't sure what to do. But, today, more excitement than panic. So, I'm in the process of filling out yet another application and will hopefully be able to send it in tonight and get this thing rolling.

No more panicking, I need to stay calm. And how do I do that? I read other people's blogs. lol So here are some that I have come across that I know at least one of you will enjoy...Genevieve!!! lol

http://eliseblaha.typepad.com/golden/

http://lovelife.typepad.com/

http://thesefavoritethings.blogspot.com/

http://makeitandloveit.blogspot.com/

So, check these out...they are amazing. Especially the first one, she has given me a lot of ideas!!

UGH!

No news...still waiting. Trying to find other options...but trying to stay optimistic (even though it's extremely difficult to be at this point).

But, I'm finding that putting my AWESOME cricut to good use and getting my creative juices flowing yet again, has gotten my mind off the frustration of my situation. haha So, if anyone is interested at all in what all I've been up to with my Cricut and just bored self...take a looksee here: http://metsscrapper.blogspot.com/

That's all for now.

White Christmas

So, I suppose those who wished for a White Christmas got their wish. I for one didn't really care. I just wanted to be able to get out of town Christmas day. But, since the snow came, and came, and came, and came. I'm definitely stuck at home for day 2. But, my parents and I had a good time playing the Wii, at least the games that we could play without the nunchucks. Our Wii Sports game that comes with the console doesn't work. So, that was a disappointment.

Anyways, I thought I'd share some pics of the mountain of snow outside our front door. Since it was so windy, it al accumulated in front of our house.

This is a pic from the front porch on Christmas Eve about 6:00 P.M.

This is a pic from the front porch Christmas Day at 11:30 A.M.

I tried to give an example of how much snow there really is.

So, it's looking like I will have a job come March in South Korea. It's not for sure yet, but some what a strange e-mail said ,"there is an opening in March and someone will be in contact with me from the Ministry of Education prior to my arrival." So, I'm trying to get a clear reading on this from Yoo Yoon who I've been in contact with in Dallas to see if that is really what this e-mail is saying. Please keep your fingers crossed!!!

My life may be gradually pulling itself out of a 3 month tailspin!!! Good news received on Thursday morning. Hoping to hear ever MORE good news next week...keep your fingers and toes crossed!!! I will elaborate more when I know for sure!!!!!

"Keeping the Faith"

Rough Day...

I learned that a close family friend passed away today. He had been battling cancer for a few years now and passed away this afternoon. Just 5 weeks to the day after my grandma passed away. Wednesdays are starting to become my least favorite day.

Please keep his family in your prayers. He has two kids as well as a wonderful wife. So, please keep them in your thoughts.

Feelings of...

I find myself going through a bit of depression. With the passing of my grandmother two weeks ago today, I still refer to her in the present tense and then realize my mistake. And I start to ask myself, is it OK to do that? My dad and I started a tradition with my grandparents before she died by taking lunch out to them every Friday. Some fridays my grandpa would actually cook. And for those of you who know my grandparents, I think my grandpa could give my grandma a run for her money in the kitchen. lol Anyway, my dad told my grandpa that we would like to keep this tradition, but instead of bringing him lunch we would take him out to eat. A different restaurant every week. So when we went to pick him up, it was hard to not see her sitting there next to him. He seemed like he was doing OK. We did end up taking some of her clothes so we could take them to Good Shepherd at church. For me, I think it would be the hardest being in that house alone after being married for 59 years.

This leads me to my next topic, loneliness. I know I've talked about this before, but sometimes it's just overwhelming. A sense of loneliness that doesn't seem to go away even when around people. I'm not sure what to do with that. Is this something that is normal? Is this something that will eventually go away? Is this something that can be fixed?

Being out here in North Carolina, I thought would help a bit with the depression. Being with my best friend and all the crazy laughter that ensues when we are together. But, I just feel like I'm being a party pooper and not wanting to go hang out with her friends. I'm sure they're amazing people. I'm at a point right now that I don't want to be around crowds of people. And that totally sucks!!

Anyway, life goes on. And will go on with a smile on my face whether I like it or not.

My theme song....

One of my favorite musicians is releasing his 5th studio album on Oct. 9th! I already have it pre-ordered on iTunes and am super psyched about it!!!

Below is the music video of the first single off of his album "Crazy Love" and I have decided it's my theme song for who knows how long!! haha

In Memory of my Grandmother...

My grandma passed away Wednesday, September 23, 2009. After spending two weeks exactly in Hospice care. She was such an amazing woman. Had such a kind and giving heart and was loved by everyone who knew her. The next couple days are going to be rough, but thanks to friends and family I think I'll make it through. Her burial is on Monday morning, then a family luncheon, and then the memorial service is at 2:00 P.M.

Below is a post I started last week and never got around to posting it.

Last Week:

I've had a rough week. Between working and driving out to north Oklahoma City every day to see my grandma, it's a wonder I haven't completely shut down. My grandma was moved into Hospice care last Wednesday. She was in a lot of pain, so they decided to move her there to get her pain under control and hopefully be able to move her back home this week. Well, she took a turn for the worse and so now it's just a waiting game. We're all surprised she's lasted this long. But, we have a feeling that once my aunt gets here on Monday that she'll go. We think that she's waiting to see my aunt.

Tuesday was the worst. They were taking her off one pain medication and putting her on a different one, which in turn was making her shake really bad. At that point it basically hit me that she wasn't going to be here much longer. Since then she's been sleeping a lot and only slightly alert. Seeing her like that killed me and it was the first time I actually broke down in front of any of my family. She's been such a huge part of my life, so full of life and seeing her lying there in that bed shaking, barely being able to talk broke my heart. We've gone out there every day since Monday just to see her and sit with my grandpa. I can't imagine what he's going through right now. Just the sadness in his eyes when he looks at her lying there makes my heart ache. They've been married for 59 years. Me, I just hope I live to be 59. He's stayed there every night except for one since she's been moved there. I don't think he's ready to let her go yet.

I was lying in bed this morning at 4:00 A.M. awake as usual and just starting thinking about all the incredible times I had with my grandma, AKA Bona. No idea where the name came from, but I still call her that and I'm the only grandkid that calls her that. Anyways, I just felt like I need to put these memories down somewhere, so I don't ever forget them.

• Waking up at 6:00 A.M., sitting on the kitchen counter watching her make bacon and waffles. She was a bacon expert...no one can make bacon like her. Perfectly crispy. I did this when I was really little, now, there is no way I would wake up that early.
• Playing baseball out in their driveway. And yes, she would actually play with me. We would take turns batting and running bases. Sometimes one of my neighborhood friends would come play with us. Either the boy from next door or the boy from across the pond.
• Making homemade playdough.
• Making towers out of jell-o boxes that were stored underneath the island of their kitchen.
• Running out to their back deck screaming to scare off the squirrels that would climb onto the bird feeders.
• Taking walks/scooter rides through their neighborhood.
• Playing Skip-bo, Old Maid, and Dominoes.
• Sneaking into the kitchen while she was cooking and scaring her every time. I believed that it just prolonged her life. haha
• When I would have trouble sleeping when I was at their house she would come rub my back, which in turn caused me to pass out every time.
• She even let me play soccer in the house, as long as I kept the ball on the floor.
• All the loaves of homemade bread she would make me. When I was in high school and college she would always make one for my parents and then one for myself. She knew me too well.
• She always had their house stocked with Dr. Pepper and even let my cousin's Brent and Jason and I to have a "secret" club...The Dr. Pepper Club. She was of course our honorary member.

I Love You Bona!

Quickie...

Added two songs to my music player! Michael Franti and Spearhead's "Have a Little Faith" and Bob Marley and the Wailers' "Three Little Birds."

These two songs helped me get through this week. Frustrations with co-workers, work functions, and my grandmother going into Hospice care on Wednesday. She was in a lot of pain, and my mom called me at work asking if I could get off early because she wasn't sure if this would be the last time we got to see her conscious. Thankfully, they are getting her pain in control and may be able to go home next week.

I've found that the best therapy for me when I can't go play basketball is to go to a bookstore. lol I was at the point of almost having an emotional breakdown on Friday after I got home from my work thing (which happened to be a waste of a good friday night.) So, I left the house, decided to just drive around and ended up at the bank to get my dad some cash I owed him and then went to Borders. I got me an iced Mocha and just browsed for an hour. I ended up buying two books and was significantly more calm as I walked out the doors. It was amazing!! So, if you ever witness me having a potential emotional breakdown...go to your nearest bookstore and you will probably find me. haha

I'm hoping next week is infinitely better. Monday night going out to dinner for a friends birthday, working Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday. Sunday bowling at Red Pin!!

Hope you all had a much better week than I did!! Next week...just gotta have a little bit more faith!!!

Crappy Day!

I hope that deciding to take one day at a time is the smart thing to do. As for my day today, it was pretty crappy! Worked downtown today from 11 AM-5 PM. Two more hours than I was supposed to. I'm still trying to get the hang of things. Things at downtown are so much MORE involved than at Midtown, so I'm constantly having to ask questions and then there was a mishap with the cash register today which just sealed the deal on the "crappy day!" It was my fault, I didn't get scolded by anyone but myself. I've figured out that I'm not as good a multi-tasker as I thought I was.

After today I felt like I was alone, when in reality that's hardly the case. I just wish I had someone who I could talk to and they would listen. Someone who I could cry in front of and not be judged. Someone who could wrap their arms around me and my whole crappy day would seise to exist. Someone who would tell me things will get better and I would actually believe them. Someone who would use their humor to make me laugh out loud.

When and if I ever find that someone, my hardships are being told to "Living in the Now." Even though you don't respond, I know I have the ability to speak freely. So until next time...

A Break in the Clouds

A small break in the clouds came today. My aunt Carolyn has a lot of pull with CBF, one of the places I applied to teach English in Korea with, and she contacted the guy in charge and he told her they didn't have my application. So, apparently it didn't go through or they lost it. So, I resent it and hopefully now that they know to look for it and I know Carolyn Crumpler, things may start looking up for me!!! Keep your fingers crossed!! Carolyn isn't technically my aunt, she's my mom's best friend, and I am named after her, and I've always known her as aunt Carolyn.

I've picked up more hours at the Downtown YMCA which is actually closer to my house than the YMCA that I've been working at for the past year. Downtown is so much busier, the members are a lot more needy, and there are a LOT more towels to be washed and folded. But, I like it. The time flies by much faster than the Midtown. But, then again, working at Downtown made me realize how much I like the slow pace of Midtown. But, the more money the better!!! So, I work from 9 AM-6PM tomorrow. Which should be interesting. I've never worked that long, so hopefully it won't be too bad.

Things are looking up, I'm not hating life as much as I was. But, for right now, I'm taking each day at a time and remembering to keep having faith.

Rethinking Things

Here it is August 12, and still no job offers. I'm to the point where I'm rethinking about what it is that I'm supposed to do. Do I still want to be a physical education teacher? A part of me thinks that maybe this isn't what I'm supposed to do. Sure, I enjoyed it thoroughly when I was in England, but I can't help but wonder if it was he environment that played the part in my enjoyment.

One thing that I like to do when I'm stressed or frustrated it scrapbook, or doing something creative. So, I've put off working on my scrapbook for all of my ticket stubs/maps/pamphlets from Europe. So, I bought some punch-out letters yesterday at Wal-mart (sorry Hal, I had a gift card from there from graduation. I know how you hate that place!!! haha). I started work on it last night and I realized that I was truly happy while I was overseas. I know that sounds depressing and a bit rude, but, I loved it over there. And since applying for two jobs teaching English in South Korea, I'm crossing my tiny fingers in hopes that I would get the opportunity to do that. Not only would I get to live and work in the country I was born in, but I would also get to immerse myself in a different culture, which is something that I loved doing while in Europe. I would also get to learn more about where I came from. So, wish me luck that I will get an interview with Pegasus Teachers in October for their February 23, 2010 hiring! It would be such an amazing birthday present!!!

For now, I'm still working at the YMCA, hoping that I can maybe find something more enjoyable for the time being.

Music of the moment:

Scars and Stitches- Theory of a Deadman

Evolver- John Legend

Every Kings of Leon album

Life and Death

Life and Death...

I found out this afternoon that the son of a family friend who has been fighting cancer for the past year past away last night. This is hard because Caleb, was only 11. He has three brothers and his parents have been going through a LOT as well. Kim, the mother, had breast cancer and is now fighting Colon Cancer. She actually had emergency surgery last night as Caleb passed away. So, it's definitely a horrible ordeal for this family. They've just been through so much. 

Losing a loved one to cancer, disease, an accident, or some other reason is hard. I've have two friends who are cancer survivors, one friend and a grandmother who are fighting cancer this very minute, family members who have passed away from heart disease, cystic fibrosis, Parkinson's disease and a stroke. It's hard seeing them suffer through chemo, radiation, memory loss, hair loss, the pain, the fatigue, etc. I just can't imagine not knowing the outcome of all the pain and suffering. 

It doesn't come easy even after you know they probably won't make it through. Losing them in the end is still hard. I'm not sure what it's going to be like when I lose my grandmother. We are really close, and she's been battling this for the past three/four years and it doesn't get any easier. It's hard to see her so frail and tired, as I remember playing baseball with her when I was younger. I thank God that she's made it this long. I was afraid that she wouldn't make it until I got back from England, and here it is 2 months later and she's still here, even though she is fading fast. She is literally the strongest woman I know. 

We take life for granted. We wish we could do this and that, or complain that life sucks. When in reality, we have it pretty good. Decent health, a beating heart. It's the Feltwell Crew motto that always comes to mind when I think of things like this. "Seizing Every Opportunity" is a vital part of living your life. Because you never know when your last day might be. 

Frustration, Close to Tears

"There will be no tears. Something will happen. Do not cry." 

This is what I've been trying to tell myself for the past month. I don't know if this is my punishment for waiting too long to start looking for jobs, or if I don't look that great on paper, or if this is something I'm not really supposed to be doing. I've applied to 11 openings that I have found, and have only had one interview, which I have heard nothing back from. I keep trying to tell myself that a lot of schools don't really hire anyone until closer to the beginning of school, but who am I kidding? 

I haven't had an emotional breakdown yet, so no worries there. But, come August 1st and nothing, I can't promise anything. lol 

I've also applied to teach English with CBF (Cooperative Baptist Fellowship) in South Korea, but who knows what will come of that. I probably have to be certified in TESL, which I'm not and it's a bit pricey on top of my certifications for teaching here in OK. 

So, I sit here talking to my friend Jill, and thank God for her! Love you Jill!!!! As I look down at my typing fingers and the ring on my thumb, I'm reminded to have 'Faith'. Faith that something good will happen. Faith that I won't be living with my parents until I'm 40. Faith in God. 

Oh, and I have to take the OPTE again. ARGH!!! Could my life suck any more right now?!?!?! 

No it can't...because...I'm off to New York City on July 27 for a few days with my parents. My 5th time there, and I'm still SUPER excited!! Dad is taking me to a Mets' game, and it's going to be FREAKIN' AWESOME!!! David Wright, here I come!!! haha Hopefully, being there will help me keep my mind of not having a job...EEK!!!!  

A Good Workout and Fantastic Music

After being out of commission for a month and a half, I am to the point where I can workout on the elliptical and do a tiny bit of jogging. It feels so good to be able to workout again. It's been driving me crazy. I've been extremely restless since I've been home, and being able to workout is definitely helping with the restlessness. And the fact that I have a job. Not really something that I am enjoying as much as I used to, but it gives me an income, so that's a plus. 

I'm not sure if it's just me, or if any of you are like this, but when I run or do the elliptical, or play basketball it's the best way to clear my head. I'm not one of those people who exercises to think about things, I do it to stop thinking about things. It gives me the freedom from all the stressful things in my life. And now that I've finished college and am in the process of looking for a full-time job, the stress couldn't be packing in any more. 

Music is another thing that seems to put my mind at ease. Wether it be rock/alternative, to relieve anger, standards, to calm my nerves, or some jazz/blues, to soothe me. You won't find me sitting there without some sort of music playing in the background. I've been introduced to some amazing music the past couple months, some of which have become some of my faves. Brett Dennen, David Ryan Harris, Erin McCarley, and Cage the Elephant. And then some old favorites with new incredible albums like, Dave Matthews Band, Ray LaMontagne, and Dave Barnes. And then there are those who I just can't get enough of no matter what album it is, Kings of Leon, John Legend, Van Morrison, and Otis Redding. 

The first song on my playlist is from the new Dave Matthews Band album, Why I Am, give it a listen!!!!! You won't be disappointed! 

So, my suggestions for some great summer music for you:

• Dave Matthews Band: Big Whiskey and the GrooGrux King
• Their first studio album in 4 years. It's definitely worth a listen. RIP LeRoi Moore
• Ray LaMontagne: Gossip in the Grain
• Cage the Elephant: Cage the Elephant
• Kings of Leon: Only by the Night
• My second all-time favorite band, right behind DMB!! Definitely a unique sound. 
• Brett Dennen: So Much More
  

"Without music life would be a mistake." Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Lets Hug It Out!!

I was lying in bed last night thinking about who knows what and I started thinking about some of the talks I had back in England with the Feltwell Crew about physical touch. Which got me thinking about hugs, which got me thinking about greetings. For me, there are certain people who I give hand shakes to when I see them. But, then there are those that I do side hugs with, and then those that I give full-frontal (get your mind out of the gutters!) hugs to. You have to be pretty awesome, to get one of those full-frontal hugs from me, though!!! hahaha I've never been to the point where I missed someone so much that when I saw them for the first time after a long leave of absence I jumped into their arms, but I had that experience on my first day back at my church. I wasn't the one jumping, but the one receiving and I definitely couldn't wipe the smile off my face. 

The 5 year old, almost 6 year old son of my student minister at my church asked me before I left if I could send him postcards from all of the places that I visited, and I cannot say no to this kid. He was adopted from South Korea like myself and from the same adoption agency in Tulsa. So, we have a bit of a connection there. Anyways, so throughout the three months I was in Europe I sent him a postcard from every country we visited. When I got back I had one more to give to him that I didn't get a chance to mail, so I was just going to give it to him myself. I didn't get to see him until after church in the common room outside the sanctuary, but as I saw him walking toward me, he saw me, had that incredibly adorable smile on his face and ran toward me yelling, "Caroline!" and jumped into my arms as I picked him up in a big hug! Now tell me you wish you could experience something like that every day! He was super excited about his last postcard and I couldn't be happier to have done that for him. 

So the conversation with the Feltwell Crew about physical touch consisted of the information that physical touch is something that people crave. Wether it be a hug, a pat on the back, hand holding, cuddling, etc. I for one, missed hugs while I was over in England. I'm definitely a hugger. And for the most part, toward the end of the three months I fulfilled my quota of hugs thanks to the Feltwell Crew. There are definitely some great huggers in that group (you know who you are!!!). And if it weren't for them, I might have gone crazy!!!! 

So, in the chaos that is your life, there is always time for hugs. So, if you ever feel like you're in need of a good hug..."Hug Department:  Always Open!"

Summer and Procrastination

Self control and self determination are the two things that I need to keep myself from becoming a fluffy, broke, jobless, college graduate. OH WAIT!! Too late! I've been in the process of filling out job applications for the past two weeks and have only turned one  in. EEK!! I feel the necessity of job hunting being pushed aside for the love of new music. With the introductions to numerous artist I had not heard of by a member of the Feltwell Crew and the discovery of Pandora.com, I have been listening to and buying music.  

For instance, the first song on my playlist: People Should Smile More by Newton Faulkner. It is definitely a message that more people should take into consideration!!! 

Anyways, this needs procrastination needs to stop and I need to concentrate on more important things like FINDING A JOB!!!! 

However, the summer is just not the summer without leisurely activities such as reading, getting sunburned, hanging out with friends and watching baseball!!! Within the last two  days I have done all three of those!!! Baseball being my favorite thing of the summer! The Redhawks and the Mets! Can't get enough of those guys in tight pants swinging a bat at a tiny little ball. Or in the Redhawks case, baggy white pants. haha

My friend Jill, aka Genevieve, and I had the opportunity to watch a double header against the Tacoma Rainier's, Monday. It was a gorgeous day with great weather, great baseball, great company, and great food!!! GO ROYCE!!!!! 

Royce coming in after hitting his 3-run homer!!!! ATTA BABY, #7!!!!!! 

My goal by the end of this week is to have all seven job applications turned in! We'll see what happens. 

And as I end this post, I feel the need for another quote. If you don't know, I'm a lover of quotes. I have multiple quote books and am always looking for more! So, here is one for you to think about and for me to keep in mind!!!

"Procrastination is opportunity's assassin." - Victor Kiam

Home?

I've been back in the States for 15 days. I can honestly say that it feels weird. I no longer have to trek down to the very end of the hall to get to my bedroom. I no longer have to wear shower shoes. I no longer have to sit on a broken toilet seat. I no longer have to worry about whether or not I can get on the internet. I no longer have to worry about how I'm going to get food for the following week. I no longer have to punch in a code to get into my living area. 

I MISS ALL OF THAT!!!!! Things that I would otherwise find annoying are the little things that made the Feltwell Hilton my "home." I miss coming home to a "hello?!" coming from the dayroom. I miss the faces of my 8 beloved Feltwell Crew Members. I miss hearing about each of their days at school. I miss Wednesday Volleyball. I miss lunch with the Lunch Bunch at the High School. I miss traveling. I miss the random videos and pictures. I miss sitting around the dayroom table listening to music and trying to get on the internet. 

I could go on forever, but I don't think you would enjoy that. lol Luckily, most of the Feltwell Crew is in Oklahoma and I've gotten to see most of them since being back!!! And thank goodness for Skype!!! Our main communication with each other!! 

As I sit here thinking about all the things that I NEED to be doing all I can think about is wishing I was back in England, hanging out with the Feltwell Crew at the Feltwell Hilton. But, life goes on and it's back to the real world. There are job applications that need to be filled out, thank you notes that need to be written, money that needs to be made, pictures that need to be organized, ticket stubs that need a home, a test that needs to be taken, and a life that needs to be lived! 

I had the best three months of my life, and being only 23 years old, I'm sure there are more amazing months to come! 

In the words of a one, Joseph Campbell, "We must be willing to get rid of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." I have no idea who this Joseph character is, but he is SPOT ON!!!!