In Memory of my Grandmother...

My grandma passed away Wednesday, September 23, 2009. After spending two weeks exactly in Hospice care. She was such an amazing woman. Had such a kind and giving heart and was loved by everyone who knew her. The next couple days are going to be rough, but thanks to friends and family I think I'll make it through. Her burial is on Monday morning, then a family luncheon, and then the memorial service is at 2:00 P.M.

Below is a post I started last week and never got around to posting it.

Last Week:

I've had a rough week. Between working and driving out to north Oklahoma City every day to see my grandma, it's a wonder I haven't completely shut down. My grandma was moved into Hospice care last Wednesday. She was in a lot of pain, so they decided to move her there to get her pain under control and hopefully be able to move her back home this week. Well, she took a turn for the worse and so now it's just a waiting game. We're all surprised she's lasted this long. But, we have a feeling that once my aunt gets here on Monday that she'll go. We think that she's waiting to see my aunt.

Tuesday was the worst. They were taking her off one pain medication and putting her on a different one, which in turn was making her shake really bad. At that point it basically hit me that she wasn't going to be here much longer. Since then she's been sleeping a lot and only slightly alert. Seeing her like that killed me and it was the first time I actually broke down in front of any of my family. She's been such a huge part of my life, so full of life and seeing her lying there in that bed shaking, barely being able to talk broke my heart. We've gone out there every day since Monday just to see her and sit with my grandpa. I can't imagine what he's going through right now. Just the sadness in his eyes when he looks at her lying there makes my heart ache. They've been married for 59 years. Me, I just hope I live to be 59. He's stayed there every night except for one since she's been moved there. I don't think he's ready to let her go yet.

I was lying in bed this morning at 4:00 A.M. awake as usual and just starting thinking about all the incredible times I had with my grandma, AKA Bona. No idea where the name came from, but I still call her that and I'm the only grandkid that calls her that. Anyways, I just felt like I need to put these memories down somewhere, so I don't ever forget them.

• Waking up at 6:00 A.M., sitting on the kitchen counter watching her make bacon and waffles. She was a bacon expert...no one can make bacon like her. Perfectly crispy. I did this when I was really little, now, there is no way I would wake up that early.
• Playing baseball out in their driveway. And yes, she would actually play with me. We would take turns batting and running bases. Sometimes one of my neighborhood friends would come play with us. Either the boy from next door or the boy from across the pond.
• Making homemade playdough.
• Making towers out of jell-o boxes that were stored underneath the island of their kitchen.
• Running out to their back deck screaming to scare off the squirrels that would climb onto the bird feeders.
• Taking walks/scooter rides through their neighborhood.
• Playing Skip-bo, Old Maid, and Dominoes.
• Sneaking into the kitchen while she was cooking and scaring her every time. I believed that it just prolonged her life. haha
• When I would have trouble sleeping when I was at their house she would come rub my back, which in turn caused me to pass out every time.
• She even let me play soccer in the house, as long as I kept the ball on the floor.
• All the loaves of homemade bread she would make me. When I was in high school and college she would always make one for my parents and then one for myself. She knew me too well.
• She always had their house stocked with Dr. Pepper and even let my cousin's Brent and Jason and I to have a "secret" club...The Dr. Pepper Club. She was of course our honorary member.

I Love You Bona!

Quickie...

Added two songs to my music player! Michael Franti and Spearhead's "Have a Little Faith" and Bob Marley and the Wailers' "Three Little Birds."

These two songs helped me get through this week. Frustrations with co-workers, work functions, and my grandmother going into Hospice care on Wednesday. She was in a lot of pain, and my mom called me at work asking if I could get off early because she wasn't sure if this would be the last time we got to see her conscious. Thankfully, they are getting her pain in control and may be able to go home next week.

I've found that the best therapy for me when I can't go play basketball is to go to a bookstore. lol I was at the point of almost having an emotional breakdown on Friday after I got home from my work thing (which happened to be a waste of a good friday night.) So, I left the house, decided to just drive around and ended up at the bank to get my dad some cash I owed him and then went to Borders. I got me an iced Mocha and just browsed for an hour. I ended up buying two books and was significantly more calm as I walked out the doors. It was amazing!! So, if you ever witness me having a potential emotional breakdown...go to your nearest bookstore and you will probably find me. haha

I'm hoping next week is infinitely better. Monday night going out to dinner for a friends birthday, working Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday. Sunday bowling at Red Pin!!

Hope you all had a much better week than I did!! Next week...just gotta have a little bit more faith!!!

Crappy Day!

I hope that deciding to take one day at a time is the smart thing to do. As for my day today, it was pretty crappy! Worked downtown today from 11 AM-5 PM. Two more hours than I was supposed to. I'm still trying to get the hang of things. Things at downtown are so much MORE involved than at Midtown, so I'm constantly having to ask questions and then there was a mishap with the cash register today which just sealed the deal on the "crappy day!" It was my fault, I didn't get scolded by anyone but myself. I've figured out that I'm not as good a multi-tasker as I thought I was.

After today I felt like I was alone, when in reality that's hardly the case. I just wish I had someone who I could talk to and they would listen. Someone who I could cry in front of and not be judged. Someone who could wrap their arms around me and my whole crappy day would seise to exist. Someone who would tell me things will get better and I would actually believe them. Someone who would use their humor to make me laugh out loud.

When and if I ever find that someone, my hardships are being told to "Living in the Now." Even though you don't respond, I know I have the ability to speak freely. So until next time...

A Break in the Clouds

A small break in the clouds came today. My aunt Carolyn has a lot of pull with CBF, one of the places I applied to teach English in Korea with, and she contacted the guy in charge and he told her they didn't have my application. So, apparently it didn't go through or they lost it. So, I resent it and hopefully now that they know to look for it and I know Carolyn Crumpler, things may start looking up for me!!! Keep your fingers crossed!! Carolyn isn't technically my aunt, she's my mom's best friend, and I am named after her, and I've always known her as aunt Carolyn.

I've picked up more hours at the Downtown YMCA which is actually closer to my house than the YMCA that I've been working at for the past year. Downtown is so much busier, the members are a lot more needy, and there are a LOT more towels to be washed and folded. But, I like it. The time flies by much faster than the Midtown. But, then again, working at Downtown made me realize how much I like the slow pace of Midtown. But, the more money the better!!! So, I work from 9 AM-6PM tomorrow. Which should be interesting. I've never worked that long, so hopefully it won't be too bad.

Things are looking up, I'm not hating life as much as I was. But, for right now, I'm taking each day at a time and remembering to keep having faith.

Rethinking Things

Here it is August 12, and still no job offers. I'm to the point where I'm rethinking about what it is that I'm supposed to do. Do I still want to be a physical education teacher? A part of me thinks that maybe this isn't what I'm supposed to do. Sure, I enjoyed it thoroughly when I was in England, but I can't help but wonder if it was he environment that played the part in my enjoyment.

One thing that I like to do when I'm stressed or frustrated it scrapbook, or doing something creative. So, I've put off working on my scrapbook for all of my ticket stubs/maps/pamphlets from Europe. So, I bought some punch-out letters yesterday at Wal-mart (sorry Hal, I had a gift card from there from graduation. I know how you hate that place!!! haha). I started work on it last night and I realized that I was truly happy while I was overseas. I know that sounds depressing and a bit rude, but, I loved it over there. And since applying for two jobs teaching English in South Korea, I'm crossing my tiny fingers in hopes that I would get the opportunity to do that. Not only would I get to live and work in the country I was born in, but I would also get to immerse myself in a different culture, which is something that I loved doing while in Europe. I would also get to learn more about where I came from. So, wish me luck that I will get an interview with Pegasus Teachers in October for their February 23, 2010 hiring! It would be such an amazing birthday present!!!

For now, I'm still working at the YMCA, hoping that I can maybe find something more enjoyable for the time being.

Music of the moment:

Scars and Stitches- Theory of a Deadman

Evolver- John Legend

Every Kings of Leon album

Life and Death

Life and Death...

I found out this afternoon that the son of a family friend who has been fighting cancer for the past year past away last night. This is hard because Caleb, was only 11. He has three brothers and his parents have been going through a LOT as well. Kim, the mother, had breast cancer and is now fighting Colon Cancer. She actually had emergency surgery last night as Caleb passed away. So, it's definitely a horrible ordeal for this family. They've just been through so much. 

Losing a loved one to cancer, disease, an accident, or some other reason is hard. I've have two friends who are cancer survivors, one friend and a grandmother who are fighting cancer this very minute, family members who have passed away from heart disease, cystic fibrosis, Parkinson's disease and a stroke. It's hard seeing them suffer through chemo, radiation, memory loss, hair loss, the pain, the fatigue, etc. I just can't imagine not knowing the outcome of all the pain and suffering. 

It doesn't come easy even after you know they probably won't make it through. Losing them in the end is still hard. I'm not sure what it's going to be like when I lose my grandmother. We are really close, and she's been battling this for the past three/four years and it doesn't get any easier. It's hard to see her so frail and tired, as I remember playing baseball with her when I was younger. I thank God that she's made it this long. I was afraid that she wouldn't make it until I got back from England, and here it is 2 months later and she's still here, even though she is fading fast. She is literally the strongest woman I know. 

We take life for granted. We wish we could do this and that, or complain that life sucks. When in reality, we have it pretty good. Decent health, a beating heart. It's the Feltwell Crew motto that always comes to mind when I think of things like this. "Seizing Every Opportunity" is a vital part of living your life. Because you never know when your last day might be. 

Frustration, Close to Tears

"There will be no tears. Something will happen. Do not cry." 

This is what I've been trying to tell myself for the past month. I don't know if this is my punishment for waiting too long to start looking for jobs, or if I don't look that great on paper, or if this is something I'm not really supposed to be doing. I've applied to 11 openings that I have found, and have only had one interview, which I have heard nothing back from. I keep trying to tell myself that a lot of schools don't really hire anyone until closer to the beginning of school, but who am I kidding? 

I haven't had an emotional breakdown yet, so no worries there. But, come August 1st and nothing, I can't promise anything. lol 

I've also applied to teach English with CBF (Cooperative Baptist Fellowship) in South Korea, but who knows what will come of that. I probably have to be certified in TESL, which I'm not and it's a bit pricey on top of my certifications for teaching here in OK. 

So, I sit here talking to my friend Jill, and thank God for her! Love you Jill!!!! As I look down at my typing fingers and the ring on my thumb, I'm reminded to have 'Faith'. Faith that something good will happen. Faith that I won't be living with my parents until I'm 40. Faith in God. 

Oh, and I have to take the OPTE again. ARGH!!! Could my life suck any more right now?!?!?! 

No it can't...because...I'm off to New York City on July 27 for a few days with my parents. My 5th time there, and I'm still SUPER excited!! Dad is taking me to a Mets' game, and it's going to be FREAKIN' AWESOME!!! David Wright, here I come!!! haha Hopefully, being there will help me keep my mind of not having a job...EEK!!!!